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Tonight I said goodbye to my friend.
It was our year. You started it with an amazing girl, I started it with an amazing job; we ended it with both. In between we laughed and danced like the world couldn't end.
We talk of life being a journey, but don't think far into the analogy. Check your directions. Read the signs. But most of all, choose your travelling companions carefully; because, ultimately, there may be nothing waiting for you but the memories that you'll share.
There are five men in my life I've called brother. One born, four earned. Yet none deserved it as much as you. We're born lonely mutants, bereft of common threads that would invalidate our abnormality. Knowing you, just knowing you exist, half a world away, and I know I'm not alone. God made more than one last prototype.
By the time I catch you, on the furthest reach of the embers of our civilisation, you'll be long gone; to the gambler's oasis or beyond. But I know someday I'll find you, on the dawn of a forgotten shore - and even if we may by then have drawn old, when we raise glasses, and laugh as we once did, it'll be as though we were young again.
And until then, mate.
I'll miss you.Music: Brian Eno - An Ending (Ascent) |
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I'm awake. Unsure of how I got here, how this happened. Mind plays tricks on the eyes, eyes play tricks on the mind. Is that streetlight flicker, or tendrils of daylight curling past the curtains? I know not the time, much less whether I should be awake.
The light catches the dip of her waist. She's still here.
The millionth combination of chance and impulse that led to this escapes me. Time's slipping - she'll awake soon. Will this hinterland of pure delusional happiness frozen, before it changes, before what we have morphs and decays.
So I hold her close, because maybe, just maybe ...
There's just this moment.
Broken. |
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The bleak is nearly upon me. I can feel its hands sliding into my skull, though it has yet to squeeze. We live in borrowed time, wondering when the crash will come.
I choose affirmation of as many alien concepts as I can muster, devaluing the concept of joy as I force myself out into the crisp loneliness.
What more is there? The pedals turn, unpowered by will. Are we all doomed to isolation, punctuated with all-too-curt moments of connection with equally lonely souls, which exacerbate the feeling that we're at once incomprehensibly different, yet crushingly mundane?
Why must I do this - hurl myself into the void betwixt sanity and obsession, hope and humiliation?
I knew this was coming. It's always the pain that we least expect that hurts us the most.
My morose meanderings are brought short by a man wakeboarding across the lock. Stop, watch, share a quiet smile with a stranger.
I felt nothing change, and yet the bleak has gone. He waves off - and for the first time in my short-term, I'm brought home. This city is beautiful in its crippling decay, it's plethora of foibles; leached in underexposed morning or awash with carnival lights.
Why must I do this? Because finally; in experiencing the lows of loss and regret, the dereliction of my insulated life - I can create.
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I am going to the Hendricks Halloween Ball. I understand that several people are now unable to go after the change of date from Oct 31st to Nov 1st. I had intended to purchase spare tickets for other members of our party from one of my friends thus inconvenienced, but due to a miscommunication they instead returned them for a refund.
Is anyone similarly unable to go due to the change of date, who still has the ticket(s) and wants to get shot of it/them? |
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mp3 -h --preset standard, 94.5Mb
ogg -q 5, 75.8Mb
flac --best, 445.3Mb (on request)
Tracklist |
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SPOONTANG IS NOT A VEGETABLE
Feb. 2nd, 2007 @ 09:08 pm
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| » Fear nothing |
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I wanted to let you know that you just made the top of my hate list. I mean, Corey Hart mashed into The Killers, come on!
I'll miss Dreadnought; it was fun. Now I think I need to take a break from DJing for a while.
The set went more smoothly than I expected, given the combination of sleep deprivation and a 3am slot. They still made it hard going, however, and the perfectionist in me knows I could have done better.
In fact, I may well have enjoyed the weekend more had I simply gone out to have a good time with my friends. Apologies to those I didn't see enough of.
Oh, and for those of you who missed it - and ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) gypseymission in particular - Hey Boy, Hey World. Constructive feedback welcome.
Addendum: If anyone's in the market for a DJing set-up - Numark CDN-90, Vestax PMC-250, Gator case, Sennheiser HD495 headphones, QED and Ixos cables. Retail £1,360. Reasonable offers considered.
Update: Thanks to hythloday, files are now up on wrong.nu and linked from psy.dj.
Jan. 22nd, 2007 @ 04:17 pm
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| » Out, not off. |
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The break in the proceedings is still upon me, yet as now, the weekend lies empty.
Those of you who have found my presence lacking, of late, would be well advised to call me.
Oct. 6th, 2006 @ 04:23 pm
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| » Mantra |
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You are not God. You are not the center from which music comes.
You are playing for the audience, the audience is not here for you.
Look at how people react. Whether you do it for money, personal gain, or simply because no once else wants to; the goal is the same - that the audience stays and is happy.
So, a poll:
Poll #833047 Floor killer.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 12I will leave Dreadnought v STJ if you play:
Sep. 29th, 2006 @ 02:36 pm
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| » Well, at least they won't have abortions. |
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You know, somewhere, right now; probably in your town, maybe on your street, perhaps even in your building; one man has his penis inside another man's bottom.
Sleep tight, conservative America.
Sep. 19th, 2006 @ 01:33 pm
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| » Ketarami Peppermine. |
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"You know, looking at the way my life has turned out, it's very similar to that of the lead character of a book I once read as a child. I sometimes wonder if it made such and impression on my subconscious, that it's been moving me in that direction ever since."
"What was it called?"
"I don't remember. Or the character's name."
"Have you considered the possibility that the memory of the book is a construct of your subconscious mind, to rationalise your current situation?"
"Chicken. Egg. You have to make assumptions at some point."
"As the layers of unreality peel away, when do you know that you've stopped? How do I know that I don't have further to fall? This could be a future strand of time, which I can roll back at any point and make another choice. It's entirely possible that's I'll come to, at any point, to discover myself sitting back in the chair, smoking - and that you were just a fragment of my imagination."
"Well, I never said I was real."
"You, sir, are not helping."
Sep. 12th, 2006 @ 01:25 pm
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| » Boom Festival 2006 |
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When I was younger, maybe eight years old, I used to love the beach. All I need to be happy was to feel the sand in my toes, the sun on my skin, and hear the sound of waves slowly lapping against the shore. I'd forgotten what that was like.
Until Boom.
There was a moment, lying in a haze, half-shaded from the afternoon sun, of such blissful happiness, that I felt compelled to record it. I wondered if I could do it justice, or if I should simply tell people of the many more obviously impressive things I saw there; the bridge over the lake, the garden, the fire jugglers, the hot air balloon, the skydivers, the pirate raft, the projector fountain, the cinema, the chill-out pagoda or the radio station.
And then I realised that in mentally preparing this entry, I'd ceased to appreciate the beach.
So I stopped.
The End.
Aug. 18th, 2006 @ 03:43 pm
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| » There goes my dream of creating the world biggest strawberry pavlova |
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hyperspeed.org email is missing, presumed dead.
The resurrection tax is £135, which, quite frankly, I have better things to spend on.
If you've attempted to email me over the past week or so, I neither hate you nor am ignoring you (really).
Please re-send anything to, and from now on use, my lj or ixion addresses.
Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 03:13 pm
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| » "Remember when I told you we're not so different, you and I?" |
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Chris: "I know I've got a maths degree, but I've forgotten damn nearly all of it. Does anyone know what a standard deviation is?"
Donald: "Schoolgirls' uniforms?"
Jan. 19th, 2006 @ 01:27 pm
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| » Consumerist ethics are for pussies who can't drink as much as me |
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I have a Starbucks triple-shot cappucino and a bag full of McDonalds hash browns on my desk.
Drinking for seven solid hours clearly turns me into a capitalist whore.
Jan. 13th, 2006 @ 10:59 am
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| » Farewell |
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And thus we come to another departure.
What can I say of Tom to those of you who don't know him? Can I put four years of true friendship into words?
I was going to reminisce about some of my favourite memories; but in so doing I've realised; my overriding memory will simply be that of laughter.
Like, I'd imagine a great many people, I'm going to miss him terribly.
We'll be here tomorrow evening to wish him well. Please, join us if you can; even if it's simply to meet him for the first (and maybe last) time.
Goodbye, old friend. May we meet again soon, and often.
Update: Yes, that's a cop-out. This memory will stick.
Jan. 11th, 2006 @ 05:03 pm
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| » Nothing lasts ... but nothing is lost |
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Friendship. When does it end? Most often, the friends we lose simply drift away and fade from our lives, remembered well, albeit infrequently. Occasionally, however, the act of removing them is deliberate.
Some will display an admirably (or foolhardy) loyalty, and see a friendship through to the bitter end; as is their nature with many things. Others will abandon their friends seemingly on a whim. The resultant resentment and bitterness also varies considerably.
Now, I'm curious, as I've seen this happen markedly more often of late - when would you walk away from a friendship? When have you done so in the past? How do you think of your former friends now?
At what point should you let go of the sunk costs; the time, energy and emotions you have vested in a person; and walk out of their life indefinitely?
When is it understandable? Forgivable? Justified? Necessary?
This is not rhetorical, I am genuinely interested in people's answers.
Comments screened, for hopefully obvious reasons.
Dec. 8th, 2005 @ 12:00 pm
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| » Size isn't everything, baby - it's the only thing |
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The Alex-cave now has what is effectively a five and a half foot wide television installed in it.
Playing Burnout on a screen that nearly fills your field of vision is something of an experience ;-)
In other news, can someone please explain how it got to nearly 4am without me noticing?
I appreciate the answer to this might be somewhat rhetorical.
Dec. 6th, 2005 @ 03:54 am
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